It’s just January 8 so I guess it’s yet not too late to share my experience last year or just last month. Well, I was baptized and raised as a Roman Catholic and before the 25th we have these 9 days Novena Masses. During the 3rd day, the Priest was talking about not giving up, not giving up on the government, not giving up on being nice even to those who aren’t nice, not giving up on faith, and not giving up on life. It hit me big time since I have doubts and my faith is quite shaking. I don’t know if anyone can relate, but I have a lot of questions like, if there’s a gracious and loving God, then why has He allowed bad things to happen to good people, or why has He ignored all those brutalities happening around the world where the government suppresses its own peoples’ rights and kills them like cattle’s in a slaughter house. And if they say God is gracious and merciful like He is, is He gonna punish me for having thoughts like these. Don’t get me wrong, I want to believe that there is something out there. Something bigger than what we can understand, something who’s power is bigger than what we can fathom, whose infinity is so much bigger than ours. I think believing in the Supreme Being looking over us is a comfort to this cruel world, but is He really looking over us, I’m not so sure. I also despise the idea of heaven and hell where the heaven is a reward for those who did good things and hell is a punishment for those who didn’t do so much. When I give food to the hungry, I don’t look up and say to the heavens “You owe me one,” and when I do bad things, I don’t look down and say “I’m getting near!” Basically, I wanna own up the things I do in this mortal world. I do whatever I think is right and when things turned out to be wrong, no regrets. At least at that moment, I did what I think was right.
I may not be a faithful member of the church (or however you wanna label me) but I believed what the priest said, about not giving up. It kind of relates to my blogging too. I haven’t written anything for like ages. So sharing these thoughts I kept for myself is my way of not giving up.
This is the first time I said these thoughts out loud or at least typed it in words.