It has been ages since I last wrote something on my blog, but I guess that’s kind of my thing. I do write a lot before. I just don’t publish it ’cause I’m not that confident. I used to be really passionate about writing when I was a kid, but I lost it when I grew up and realized that the world are surrounded by horrible beings. Not all of them though, but most of them. . Especially people at work, people that surround me at my job are ridiculously horrible individuals, arrogant, self-absorbed narcissists who can’t even enumerate the function of their frontal lobe or may not even have the slightest idea that they have one. At first it didn’t bother me, but then their crap started to weigh on me. It slowed me down and made me disgusted at every moment I am surrounded by them (Ugh). So I requested a change in my duty hours. I like my new shift because most of the time I am left alone, which peacefully allows me to think and be productive. Though I know sooner or later I have to go back to my old shift because so many reasons. So cheers! I’ll probably drink even more when I go back to my old shift.
Well actually, I don’t want to talk about my overly – confident colleagues. They’re not the reason why I’m writing now. The first part was just me venting and I can’t help it. I wanna talk about my drinking. On my previous entry “I’m Not Extroverted Unless I had A Few Drinks!”, I talk about the downside of my drinking. Now I will talk about the good sides (huh… a silver lining after all). I used to be a non-affective kind of person. People who are close to me says I’m too hard and I don’t allow anyone to get near me. But not if I’m drunk! No one in my world has imagined that I’ll fall in love just because I said yes to a few drinks. I’m happy with who I am with and I also never have thought that I would be this happy and content. My closest friend say’s I’ve changed a lot since then, in a good way and she’s lucky that I am trying to be the best that I could for her. But I think I’m the one who got lucky here. Most of the time I hurt people because of the brutal honesty that goes out from my mouth and they can’t handle that and I never thought there would be someone who’s willing to be with me because of that. Most importantly, I’m a better person now because she inspires me to be better.
Just to be clear, I’m not encouraging anyone to drink alcohol. What I’m just trying to say is sometimes, it’s okay to loosen up a bit and be carefree or venture into the unknown. As the saying goes, “You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore”.
I am a subtle observer. I do notice what people are doing and how they’re acting when they’re around me, but they don’t usually notice that I’m noticing them. I have quite mastered that art of blending in. It’s not that I intend to spy into other people’s lives, it’s just my way of understanding things. As a result, I do have a lot of perceptions of other people and sometimes I do over-think but it usually doesn’t come out. It just stays on my mind where it’s safe unless I had a few drinks!! I do drink a lot and I’m tactful when I’m drunk. I have said a lot of things that may have hurt a lot of people, I’m not sure though, I usually forget what I’ve said after I’m sober.
I may have hurt someone the last time I was out drinking with my new beer mates. I’m quite not comfortable sharing it, but I think I said things that are really terrible to a particular individual. It wasn’t entirely my faultthough, since it wasn’t me who started it. My mistake was that I may have gone way too far with the subject.
I really don’t know where this is going or how it’s gonna end. I just want to write about it so to remind to be careful next time, especially when I’m on the influence of the alcohol that I love so much.
It’s just January 8 so I guess it’s yet not too late to share my experience last year or just last month. Well, I was baptized and raised as a Roman Catholic and before the 25th we have these 9 days Novena Masses. During the 3rd day, the Priest was talking about not giving up, not giving up on the government, not giving up on being nice even to those who aren’t nice, not giving up on faith, and not giving up on life. It hit me big time since I have doubts and my faith is quite shaking. I don’t know if anyone can relate, but I have a lot of questions like, if there’s a gracious and loving God, then why has He allowed bad things to happen to good people, or why has He ignored all those brutalities happening around the world where the government suppresses its own peoples’ rights and kills them like cattle’s in a slaughter house. And if they say God is gracious and merciful like He is, is He gonna punish me for having thoughts like these. Don’t get me wrong, I want to believe that there is something out there. Something bigger than what we can understand, something who’s power is bigger than what we can fathom, whose infinity is so much bigger than ours. I think believing in the Supreme Being looking over us is a comfort to this cruel world, but is He really looking over us, I’m not so sure. I also despise the idea of heaven and hell where the heaven is a reward for those who did good things and hell is a punishment for those who didn’t do so much. When I give food to the hungry, I don’t look up and say to the heavens “You owe me one,” and when I do bad things, I don’t look down and say “I’m getting near!” Basically, I wanna own up the things I do in this mortal world. I do whatever I think is right and when things turned out to be wrong, no regrets. At least at that moment, I did what I think was right.
I may not be a faithful member of the church (or however you wanna label me) but I believed what the priest said, about not giving up. It kind of relates to my blogging too. I haven’t written anything for like ages. So sharing these thoughts I kept for myself is my way of not giving up.
This is the first time I said these thoughts out loud or at least typed it in words.